Category Archives: Getting It Wrong

Nine Lead Balloons

Nine Lead Balloons

To say “you’ve got no bottle” to a bunch of alcoholics
Is like “You haven’t got the balls”,
To a man who’s got no bollocks.

“Pull yourself together”
To a schizo with psychosis,
Is like saying “break a leg”
When she’s got osteoporosis.

And “Shit happens” to a person
With an irritable arse
Is “chin up!” to Ten Ton Tessie
At a weight-watchers class.

Hence, “look on the bright side”
To a girl with a white stick
Is like saying “Keep your pecker up”
To a man without a dick.

So next time someone says to you,
“Cheer up, it could be worse”,
First, think of flying lead balloons
And then recite this verse.

 

© Theresa van Straten 2005 All Rights Reserved

 

For the Record

For the Record

It was stupid; I’m sorry – temptation
Just caught my senses off guard;
I never intended to do it –
And it’s left me emotionally scarred.

It was just a small lapse of attention,
Brought on by an excess of drink;
I was not in control of my feelings. . .
I even forgot how to think!

It meant nothing – I didn’t enjoy it;
It was foolish to think that I might;
So why did I go and destroy it?
I wish we’d stayed in for the night.

I couldn’t perform – It was dismal
Half way through – all the music just stopped.
She said, “Oops, that was truly abysmal”.
Only then did I know that I’d flopped.

I got carried away by the moment,
So please can we just keep it low key?
Why did I try it? I should have kept quiet!
Never again – Karaoke.

 

© Theresa van Straten 2005 All Rights Reserved

 

Mine’s a Lime and Soda

Mine’s a Lime and Soda

The thing about drink is that it bugs my brain and
seems to drain ev’ry scrap of sanity and sensitivity.
Beyond a certain quantity,I lose my grip on gravity;
I sink into depravity and just become a casualty
Of cellular activity. Whisky’s always risky, for
instead of getting frisky, I tend to get morose.
A Tequila will reveal a side I’d rather hide:
You’ll find me vulgar and verbose. I
thought Wine was fine, until
he said: “Your place
or mine?” And
then
I woke
up in
his
bed.
My
Bond
With
Gin
And
Tonic
is stringently
platonic: It messes up my head.


The thing about drink
is that
It
only
takes
a single sip:
Once it’s passed
from glass to lip –
Goodbye sobriety! I’ll
toss aside propriety:
I’ll curse all forms of
piety; I’ll rant and get
quite rioty – In low
or high society (And
I won’t do it quietly. .).

Never,
Never
buy it me.

 

© Theresa van Straten 2005 All Rights Reserved